Blooming for My Own Joy

A flower blossoms for its own joy. — Oscar Wilde

Recently, while walking in the park I stared at some growing plants and flowers and realized just how similar flowers and people are. The way we move through this world with color, how we exist in so many unique variations, and how with a little water, light, and care, we each can blossom and become our own jaw-dropping sight of splendor. But what makes us the most similar is that neither of us truly ever stop growing. We both go through seasons where it seems like we’re wilted and dead, but then we sprout into something new, something that displays beauty in a fresh way, something that is a little brighter and stronger than before.

I think I die and bloom again about every 5-7 years. I never really know it’s happening until I feel my petals opening again, which is a feeling that I’ve recently experienced. I lied back after working out and as I continued to let my music play, I felt a deep sense of peace and happiness. I wasn’t worried about anything which is something that I have not felt in a long time. That’s when I knew that I was in a stage of metamorphosis. In 2016 and early 2017, I was struggling with my health (mental and physical) and I wasn’t sure if I knew what I wanted to do with my life anymore. All the dreams that I had seemed so far out of reach. I went through my first post-college financial struggles and I finally knew why my mom always frowned at the grocery store check-out and told us to get the “Fruity Floats” instead of the “Fruit-loops.” I felt helpless and weak. Stress had consumed me and I was like a fish caught in a net. So I started to make changes.

First I began working on my mental health. I prayed, meditated, cried, drank a lot of tea, colored and did a lot of walking in the park. Over several months I started to feel more at peace with my situation and hopeful that my trials would work themselves out, as long as I continued to try my hardest to do the best I could do.

Once I began to find mental stability, I start really focusing on my physical health. I changed my diet and focused more on eating foods that were tasty and made my body feel great. I also started to work out. This was an amazing feat because throughout my life I’ve always struggled with being active. As a writer and a movie buff, my couch and bedroom were my best friends. Playing outside as a kid for me was rare. I had joint pains, circulation issues, and fatigue. But those pains that plagued me as a child seem to have faded. I feel energized.

The best part about the changes I have made is that I’ve been doing them for myself. I haven’t started eating right, working out, and setting goals for my life so I can impress anyone or catch a man, I’ve been doing it because I want to feel better. I thought about myself ten years from now and asked myself, “what will it take for you to be proud of you?” Once I answered my own question, I started working toward the goal.

If you’re in your dying phase, just know that you have the seeds to make yourself grow again. Reevaluate what you want and where you want to be and find the ways to make it happen. Endings are a social construct, life always keeps moving and spinning us in an infinite circle of change.  Who you are today is only one petal of the flower you’re meant to be. 

Right now, I’m doing what it takes to feel my best and be my best and I’m doing it because I am a flower blooming for my own joy. A flower that has died and grown into a more mature belle; a flower that has escaped the weeds and found the water and sun that I need to blossom. I know tomorrow I may not be this up, but as long as I’m trying, I’m okay with that.

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